It’s Different For Girls

There were many brave, generous and kind women at BlogHer. The 22 women reading at the Friday night Keynote were amazing. Several of them had us in tears.

Stephanie Quilao who spoke on the “Coming Out” panel had this to say:

The big theme that came out of the session was that having the bravery to come out on your blog helps others feel less alone, and again, that is why I love blogging, the power to comfort and help others on this journey we call life.

I met Crystal McKee my first night at BlogHer (July 17). Her kindness is an inspiration.

Crystal and Amanda

I had the opportunity to mention the important Ask and Share health site EmpowerHer.com to Crystal and other generous women I met at BlogHer who are willing to share information about health conditions in order to help all women. These women included Shannon Lowe Rocks in My Dryer, @slackermama Marilyn, and Erica Barrie.

@whymommy Susan Niebur has gathered twenty brave mothers to share stories. Susan was on a great panel “Blogging Community as Healing Force” where I was also able to meet Laurie Kingston and LoveBabz.

Susan Niebur

Women helping other women get in shape were a pleasure, including @DebRoby Debra, and Sahar Aker Fat Fighter TV.

Stephanie Quilao brought up one of my favorite themes in her Back in Skinny Jeans blog: “I would have enjoyed at least one session that was dedicated to the ‘fabulous and single.’” I too would really like to see a panel on “Single Life” at BlogHer09. It could include the popular blogger and fabulous single mom, Rachel Sarah (caught here on a BlogHer break).

Rachel Sarah Single Mom Seeking

I am happy to say that I was able to meet and begin relationships with a broad spectrum of women.

Non-Mommy Bloggers were well represented. I enjoyed meeting these women: @everydaywonders Vanessa Longman, @lizrizzo Life and Love in the La La, @glossedover Wendy Fenton, @moddivorce Helene Taylor , Stephanie Shkolnik Fabulously 40, @hermedia Kay McFarlane @lapetitchic Katie Sloan Dornblaser, @Bayjb Jessica, @katelin Pretty Sandy Feet, @jamielovely Jamie Villarreal, @freeandflawed Jenn, Melissa Silverstein Women & Hollywood, Jamie Risdon Lentzner Jamie’s Painting & Design, @elkit Elke Sisco, Amanda Wolfe, @Kanter Beth Kanter, @ShannonRenee, @megansmith Megans Minute and @kimberle Petroville. Mary Ostyn is in a category of her own.

There were women helping women in many ways, Elise Bauer provided blog traffic building tips.

Staying through the Unconference on Sunday was a good decision.
There I got to enjoy nuts and bolts discussions with @amnichols The Write Spot, @mamacita Jane Goodwin and others.
I had fun with a mother and daughter team, Catherine Morgan who led a health & wellness session, and her mother, Frances Ellen.

The Unconference provided the smaller group really nice access to the BlogHer Folks, like @dtanton Denise Tanton and Liz Henry. And of course the BlogHer founders, Elisa Camahort, Jory des Jardins and Lisa Stone.

Saturday morning’s keynote provided ample opportunity to meet the speakers. Stacy Morrison, editor-in-chief of Redbook, graciously stayed for about an hour to accommodate the long line of bloggers wanting to meet her. All three women did a great job sharing with us about Hybrid Media. Stacy was particularly captivating.

Stacy Morrison

Shireen Mitchell captured an audio interview for her blog with Essence Director, Digital Development, Lesley Pinckney following Lesley’s participation in the Hybrid Media keynote.

Shireen Mitchell and Lesley Pinckney

What session would you like to see added to BlogHer09?

The Olympics starts on August 8th at 8PM for a reason. August 8th 2008 is an auspicious date. In Chinese, the number 8 is pronounced “fa” or “ba” (depending on the dialect) which means prosperity. As James Fallows noted in the Atlantic Monthly a year ago, many Chinese couples have been planning weddings for this special 8-8-8 date.

Friday, August 8th is my husband, Ray Gordon’s birthday. Come celebrate and initiate your own prosperity as we raise a glass of champagne on August 8, 2008 at 8:08PM Kauai time.

Kauai Shipwreck Beach photo by Ray Gordon

If you can’t make it to Kauai this time, please gather friends that day for your prosperity festivities. You don’t need to be Chinese to appreciate the significance of this date. You can also send photos to Flickr for their Flickr 888 photo fest.

888 08-08-08 Kauai

I loved BlogHer. That may make me entirely uncool but I don’t care. From the Thursday night parties to the end of the Unconference on Sunday, I found it exhilarating being surrounded by women who write. Having 1,000 women in one hotel entirely changes the experience for all the guests. I think everyone staying at the Westin St. Francis July 17 - July 21st was touched by us in some way.

When I first noticed the July 27th New York Times article about BlogHer, I was happy for two reasons. First, Vanessa Longman had been included. Second, the article was another of many recent acknowledgments of the importance of women as a group. Since I read the article on-line, I did not at first notice what section it was in.

Then I saw the complaints about the New York Times choosing to run the article in the Style section. I looked up the writer, Kara Jessella in My Cision (formerly known as Bacon’s) journalist database which describes her as “a Contributing Beauty and Fashion Writer. She is also the beauty editor and style contributing editor for The New York Times Magazine.” I also found she was co-author of “How Sassy Changed My Life.” Coming from that perspective, she made an effort to talk to a variety of bloggers, including health and political bloggers, who credited her with listening well and being nice, and she wrote in her voice.

Fortunately, before I published my conjecture of why the NY Times story appeared in the Fashion & Style section, Tricia Romano of Pop and Politics actually got the NYT Style Section Editor, Trip Gabriel, to describe how the article landed in the Style section. Tricia also got a quote from Kara who explained that she pitched the story to Trip Gabriel for the obvious reason that he is her go-to guy at the NY Times. Tricia quotes Mr. Gabriel as writing:

“Kara Jesella’s article is smack-dab in the bull’s eye of stories Sunday Styles has run for years. When people ask if a ’serious’ piece about glass ceilings is undermined by appearing in a section that covers fashion, beauty and other ’superficial’ topics, I’m pretty sure they haven’t been reading The Times’s style sections deeply or for long. We do cover these topics, of course, along with all kinds of social trends and attempts to decode the zeitgeist, but we try very hard not to write about beauty or fashion in a promotional or superficial way.”

As someone who pitches stories about “single lifestyle,” I’m well aware of the murky editorial landscape for finding a home for social trend and lifestyle articles.

Megan Carpentier of Jezebel made the good point that the New York Times has written about male bloggers in the same section.

In my opinion, the New York Times BlogHer article and the discussion around it are part of a transition in the right direction. The article has since been cross-posted in the technology section of NYTimes.com.

The best part of BlogHer for me was the women I met. I had warned many in comments on their blogs that I was going to hug them when I saw them. Fortunately, no one was turning me down. First allow me to share the few photos I was able to capture of women I finally met in person that I already loved on-line: Vanessa, Leah and Laura.

@vvanpetten Vanessa Van Petten Teens Today

A full description of Leah Jones’s contribution to my life requires a post of its own. Suffice it to say here that Leah inspired me to get on Twitter and start my blog for which I am grateful.

@LeahJones Digital-Culture Evangelist, Edelman Digital; Leah in Chicago

@pistachio Laura Fitton

I didn’t get photos but I was so pleased to finally meet on-line pals @GeekMommy Lucretia Pruitt, Stephanie Quilao Back in Skinny Jeans @AlizaSherman, @stephagresta, @QueenofSpain Erin Kotecki Vest, @rslux Rachel Luxemburg, @akamonty Shannon, @emom marianiles.

BlogHer was great for being introduced to women I didn’t know at all before, discovering them as people and reading their blogs for the first time. I asked for their Twitter addresses. There was so much talk of Twitter at BlogHer that I am sure quite a few women who had managed to ignore it up to now were compelled to finally get a Twitter handle.

I have so much more I want to share about being at BlogHer, but I really need to stop now and continue in my next post.

BlogHer08 BlogHer Women New York Times

I’m heading to BlogHer SF ‘08 this week and really looking forward to it.

Events that allow me to meet face-to-face with fellow bloggers are very special to me. Make that an event for Women and now it’s super special. The power of 1,000 publishing women in one place will create a vibrant, positive energy at the Westin July 17 - 20.

Preparing to go to BlogHer brings back great memories of Blogger Social NYC April ’08. Blogger Social’s aim was to savor the social part of a social media conference - without the conference. The inaugural Blogger Social worked really well.

I’m sure I’ll learn from the presentations, but I plan to fully indulge in the social aspect of BlogHer as well.

Before setting off for BlogHer, I’d like to take a moment to thank the attendees of Blogger Social who welcomed me so graciously into their midst. We had two great days together of first meetings, conversation and hugs.

In the world of blogging, comments and links are virtual hugs. When bloggers meet socially, it’s a chance for real hugs.

CK and Arun Friday night kick-off Marathon Mixer, Blogger Social ‘08 April NYC

The mission of Blogger Social is to bring together a specific niche of bloggers who write about marketing/PR. Many of the 80+ bloggers who gathered from around the USA and the world were well-known forces in the field. I’m not a marketing blogger, but I am a marketing expert and managed to convince Christina Kerley “CK”, the organizer, that I would fit in.

I first heard of it on Twitter when Connie Reece tweeted that she was speaking at BlogHer Business and attending Blogger Social in NYC, which were conveniently back-to-back in April. I wanted to attend BlogHer Biz till I realized it was priced toward corporate attendance. I decided to wait until BlogHer SF in July.

Blogger Social began for me mid-day Friday. I finally met the delightful Shashi Bellamkonda, who was one of my first friends on Twitter.

Friday night, at the first and therefore highest energy Blogger Social official gathering, I enjoyed conversations and hugs with fascinating women including: Ann Handley, Valeria Maltoni, CK, Lori Magno, Toby Bloomberg, Virginia Miracle, Connie Reece, Jennifer Berk, Kristin Gorski, Tara Anderson, Jennifer Laycock, and Tamar Weinberg.

I tend to prioritize meeting women (sorry guys) but the men I met at Blogger Social were also amazing. Since the party didn’t even begin to slow down until 2AM, I had a chance soak in some wisdom from social media stars Tim McHale, Arun Rajagopal, Todd Andrlik, Darryl Ohrt, and Thomas Clifford. I was happy to grab first face-to-faces with Ryan Karpeles, Steve Woodruff, Nathan Snell, Lewis Green, David Reich, David Berkowitz, Mark Goren, John Wall and Doug Meacham.

Saturday morning, I somehow managed to get out of bed to an early morning brainstorming for Rohit Bhargava’s book “Personality Not Included”, where I got to meet Anna Farmery, Heather Gorringe, Saul Colt, and Matt Dickman. This event was also open for us to invite friends, so I was able to bring Kathryn Jones, who contributed some great ideas to the brain fest.

Aside from an exciting look at the Statue of Liberty, Saturday’s boat ride let me get close to Mack Collier and Terry Starbucker. Chris Kieff “cookied” me.

At the Saturday night dinner, I got to sit between Geoff Livingston and CeCe Salomon-Lee. Seni Thomas and I had a chat in Japanese. I met and succeeded in hugging Amanda Gravel, Jane Quigley, Katie Chatfield,Scott Monty, Mario Vellandi, Greg Verdino, C.B. Whittemore, Kaitlyn Wilkins, Susie and Drew McLellan, David Polinchock and Jason Falls.

Sunday morning, I was grateful that Ryan Barrett put together a brunch, an event that I could bring Ray to. Luc Debaisieux, Gavin Heaton and Jennifer Berk joined us for a lively exchange.

Joseph Jaffe was exchanging supportive tweets with me up to the event. Thank you to Arun and Kristin for tagging me on Media Diet meme. It’s half written, I promise you.

Will I have a chance to hug you at BlogHer?

BlogHer08 BlogHer Women BloggerSocial

The single women you will see in The Last Single Girls webisodes have declared their independence. It doesn’t mean they don’t date or they don’t like men. When I talk about independence with my female friends, what we mean is that we are very much OK on our own. I adore my husband, Ray, but I am also an independent woman. I think that is part of what he loves about me.

The women starring in The Last Single Girls webisodes are all currently single. Most of them are noteworthy authors writing about single lifestyle in one way or another. Their books are filled with tears, laughter, humanity and wisdom.

Jerusha Stewart, a single life expert, who has appeared on panels with other single women in a variety of settings, including a recent appearance on View From the Bay, was inspired to develop a series created especially for the web called The Last Single Girls webisodes. The title is taken from her website and her company LSG Network. She describes her project as:

Picking up the conversation where “Sex And The City” left off.

In the short-form webisodes, Jerusha Stewart and her two co-hosts, engage in free-flowing debates devoted to love, sex, and single life. The impromptu roundtables happen everywhere. Jerusha and her co-hosts are seen dishing on the phone, at the office, on the way to lunch, out shopping, having their nails done, at a night club, getting massages, at the movies, over dinner, and in their studio lounge. The improvisational timing keeps the conversation moving with never a dull moment as the three debate current issues facing today’s singles.

Jerusha Stewart is author of “Single Girl’s Manifesta.” She is joined by authors Wendy Merrill - “Falling into Manholes: The Memoir of a Bad/Good Girl,” Rachel Sarah - “Single Mom Seeking: Playdates, Blind Dates, and Other Dispatches from the Dating World,” Maria Murnane - “Perfect on Paper” and Tracy Watson - “be seduced! (the cheeky guide to being happily single).” Akiba Smith-Francis, who has a book soon to be published called “Stepping Off the Path,” and Jackie Jones, who creates and sells a successful jewelry line, are also featured.

Ray and I spent 4 days in the Bay area, where he did the filming. I took “making of” photos. Ray is currently editing the immense collection of footage we came back with. Jerusha will be coming to LA to contribute to the editing process July 10th. Jerusha’s amazing sister, Deni Tyler, contributed voice over and styling.

How did I get involved? Well, you’ve seen most of these women before on the “Our Favorite Authors” page of Singelringen.com. The philosophy of wearing the ring, the philosophy these women live by and the series itself all mesh perfectly. Even Singular Magazine shows up in the nail salon scenes.

Here’s some “making of” pics.

Rachel, Wendy and Jerusha in the living room scene

Ray wiring Jerusha’s lav mike

Jerusha, Akiba and Wendy shopping at Iniam

Ray shooting the shopping scene

Wendy getting in character for the shopping scene

Ray shooting the girls walking into Iniam with Deni’s assistance

Tracy, Wendy and Jerusha at winery tasting room

Maria, Jerusha and Rachel at nail salon

Jackie checking out the pre-production launch issue of Singular Magazine.

The best way to enjoy Harajuku is to first walk down the posh shopping street of Omote Sando Dori.

Take a turn at the GAP onto Meiji Dori

You soon arrive at the archway to the main pedestrian street of Takeshita Dori dense with the crowds of Harajuku

Unlike Omote Sando, here you can find some inexpensive, frivolous shopping.

People watching is the main draw in Harajuku, to see and be seen.

I’m sitting on my second floor lanai in Kauai writing this. We bought this house four years ago as a stopping off point between Tokyo and the US mainland.

It’s just before sunset, my favorite time of day. Greenery and flowers are popping color against the dramatic blue of the ocean beyond. A sharp contrast to the hectic urban streets of Tokyo I have just come from.

There is something about Tokyo that compels most of us to be very serious and work oriented. This was the first trip I stole moments to take photos. Using my iPhone made it easy.

I want to share some of my photos with you here in a few parts. This is Part I.

My overall theme is “Tokyo is Never Boring.” This has always been true for me. The expats I know who are never bored in Japan enjoy their work, learn the language, take a genuine interest in Japanese culture and business challenges, and are stimulated by the diversity of the foreign community living in Tokyo.

If you’ve not been to Tokyo, you must have a look at the train scenes. Public transportation in Japan is outstanding. It is clean, safe, frequent, well-connected and on-time. During rush hour, it is also crowded.

Japanese men are generally well behaved, at least when they are sober, but somehow the anonymity of the pressing crowd sometimes allows for unwanted physical intrusion. As a result, the Women Only rush hour car was created.

The trains are not always crowded. When it is more relaxed, passengers text message or surf the net from their cell phone, sleep or read. With long commutes and long hours, sleep is a popular option.

Pangea Day was created from the vision of Jehane Noujaim who was awarded the prestigious TED prize in 2006. TED asked her to make a wish to change the world and hers was to bring the world together through the power of film. I had the pleasure of attending the live filming of Pangea Day at Sony Studios today. It was a great excuse to invite friends, including documentary film maker Cathee Weiss.

Jehane Joujaim (photo provided by event sponsor, Nokia)

I enjoyed sharing the day with women from around the world who are smart and beautiful and not afraid to look feminine. Among them, Queen Noor was a delight in both her demeanor and her shimmering turquoise gown. Meg Ryan, who is on the board of directors of the Pangea project, is eternally adorable.

Meg Ryan at Pangea Day in Los Angeles

Today is Pangea Day! I am on my way to Sony Studios in LA to join the event there. You can participate in this important global event through Current TV, the internet or other possible venues in your area. Please check it out.

Coors holds a very special place in my heart. I loved working there because the beer business is fun and they treated their people very well. However, I quickly learned that being an executive for a beer company meant being able to take humor like a man.

I’ve not been in a men’s locker room but traveling with an otherwise all male management team might be similar to what it’s like. Their idea of entertainment was a stream of jokes taken at someone else’s expense.

Good wit is attractive to women and important in male hierarchical play.

One reason I fell in love with my husband was that I loved his way with words. I admire Ray’s humor because he is able to be very funny without resorting to being gross, vulgar or hurtful. I consider that evidence of his intelligence.

Apparently, I am not alone in being attracted to a man’s wit.

Whenever you look at on-line dating sites, you will see many references regarding good sense of humor (GSOH). But that doesn’t mean that men and women are looking for the same thing.

Women want a man who is a humor “generator,” while men seek a humor “appreciator.” (Eric Bressler, a psychologist at McMaster University in Canada)*

Geoffrey Miller theorizes that men learned to use humor and wit to attract a mate and perhaps to outsmart other men.*

Men and Women use humor differently

Jonny Goldstein replied to my April 8th post saying, “‘the arch enemy’ statement was definitely written twit in cheek!” Jonny, I was using your words to make my point about male competitive spirit, not to express hurt feelings. I very much appreciated the reminder that I wanted to write this post about gender differences and humor. Many thanks also to Tim who left an inspirational comment here on April 30th about “verbal jousting”.

Anything said when comparing men and women usually includes sweeping generalizations and certainly there are individual, cultural and demographic differences. But looking at some expert opinions, it would be worth considering:

“Men taunt other men with clever nicknames and insults. That isn’t something that women do. They don’t tend to play practical jokes, or engage in humor that humiliates or puts somebody down.” (John Morreal, a professor of religion at William and Mary College in Williamsburg, Virginia, who has studied humor for 25 years.)*

“For women the primary goal of conversation is intimacy and, for men, the goal is positive self-presentation. Women’s humor supports a goal of greater intimacy by being supportive and healing, while men’s humor reinforces performance goals of competition, the establishment of hierarchical relationships and self-aggrandizement.” (from Mary Crawford’s book, Talking Difference on Gender and Language)

Many men can feel threatened by a woman with a sharp wit. However, men who do appreciate their female partner’s humor are usually more secure, mature and educated than average. (Don Nilsen, a linguistics professor and expert on humor)* I would add the same holds true for male appreciation of intelligent, successful women.

*Thanks to William Lawson who sourced the *’d experts for an article in Psychology Today.

There are fewer successful female stand-up comics

I know a lot of very funny female writers of books, columns, blogs etc and there are some great comedians but in general the number of men investing their time in being humorous, particularly stand-up is simply larger.

I think it could be explained by the two common goals of being funny: to joust with other men and to attract women.

Christopher Hitchens explains why he thinks “women aren’t funny” in a Vanity Fair article. I am not saying I agree with all his points but I thought it was worth including.

Jokes about the difference between men and women

No discussion about the gender differences in humor would be complete without at least one humorous reference to stereotypical differences between men and women. There are so many, here is one cute list and a sample:

Nicknames:
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy

Generational Differences in Humor

Do male teenagers use particularly aggressive humor? I should ask my friend, Vanessa Van Petten, author of Teens Today but I did pick up this amusing recent experiment.

As reported by the BBC, Sam Shuster observed hundreds of people while unicycling around Newcastle upon Tyne. He discovered that men made more jokes at him than women. He said the majority of male jokers were aggressive and mocking, while most women at most teased him with a smile. He found teenage boys to be particularly aggressive in their humor.

Is the Way Men and Women Use Humor Changing?

Political correctness and the evolution of the place in society of women and minorities may have affected how we use humor. As women become integrated into previously male domains, is the gender related use of humor changing? What have you noticed in your life?

Gender